Explosificate!
May 23rd, 2042: Re Re Re: SPAM?!! Johnny. I want you to take a look at this message that has been flooding orbital communications for the last week. It's coming in via text, audio, and even a scrambled video with some really disturbing images. It sounds like an advertisement for another one of those bloody illegal VR stations. I thought we'd caught the last of 'em a few months back, but the encryption just isn't good enough and these assholes keep finding a way to hijack the feed to Artemis. Yea, yea, I know you said last time that you didn't think shutting down a VR simulator is worth our time, but I think you are forgetting, again, that this stuff is as real as it gets. It's not just virtual reality, they actually get nervous and muscle responses from this shit. I don't want to have to haul another bus of Luna tourists in and keep them here because they decided to play "Assault Avignon" on an illegal station and two of them had heart attacks. Get out there and shut these guys down. Sinners Sattelite Friends we live in a time where colors of our lives are being watered down to a boring set of browns, tans, and greys. Everything dangerous and fun is slowly being regulated, confiscated, and homogenated. Now if after hearing that you find yourself saying "I do not want to live in a world like this, I want to do dangerous and/or fun things, and I'm pretty sure homogenated isn't an actual word." then I have the place for you! A place where there are explosions, nudity, and where I'm wanted by interstellar dictionary police for creationizing my own words! That place is Uncle Brackstone's Sattelite of Sin, where we take your fantasies into orbit! Want to feel what its like to fire a gun? Of course you do!! So head on over to our firing range where we have many classical firearms locked, loaded, and ready for you tex! What's that? You want to fire more modern weapons? You want to explosificate random space debris into tiny tiny pieces? Well here at my sattelite you can slip on a space suit and step onto my external firing platform and fire those big guns until your totally sane and rational desire to handle highly dangerous killing machines are completely satisfied! Nothin to shoot at? I'll call Lyle and he'll empty our space compactor and give you something to shoot at! It's not like we were gonna dispose of it properly anyways! Mind altering substances more your game? We have our own brewery, distillery, and farm! Mix, match, shake, and stirify! Whatever you want Uncle Brack has it! Just pick from one of our many different themed rooms and many varied substances for your optimized Sattelite of Sinperience. Hungry for something bad for you? Well come to Clementine's kitchen where if it isn't fried, transfatted, or full of life giving carbohyrates it ain't on the menu! For special guests you can request to sit in our spelunker section where you and your fellow diners can continue to eat without having to trouble yourselves with trips to the outhouse! Maybe you seek a more "personal" connection. Well you can meet your match in one of our many pleasure centers. Did you find someone you fancy while doing the aformentioned shooting, boozing, and/or dining? Both of you can rent a boudoir where you can have privacy or on-display for you exhibitionizers where we offer discounted rates based on your audiance approval! Have trouble meeting someone? No problem Brackstone has got YOU covered! You can meet up with one of my many residents who have chosen to embrace a life of freedom, rebellion, and debauchery! Did you fancy the dishwasher you saw at the Diner? For the right price you can do whatever you want to it! We have a strict Judgement Free Zone policy! So you can have all the appliance amusement you want without having to get those strange looks you used to from all the maintenence men that had to come to your house afterwards! At Uncle Brackstone's sattelite of Sin you can do whatever you want, for the right price! Just...stay the hell away from my cat. How can you find us? Well I don't know! Vernon and Roy (our resident propulsion architectineers) are terrible at math and predicting our orbit. They just keep us from crashing into anything larger than us! But if you can hear this message then we're close! So come on up! We're waitin for ya! ---------------------- ** Sergeant Rickard ** The Orbital Authorities Making the Sky Safe. Category:Sattelite of Sin Category:Uncle Brackstone Category:Orbital Authorities